Friday, June 3, 2011

2 months

Owen's getting close to 3 months actually, but I still wanted to write down a few thoughts.

Although Owen was just about the sweetest baby I could imagine, having a two month old baby was a bit of a rough spot for me.

Somehow when Owen got to be 2 months, all of a sudden I felt very much like my 'grace period' had ended.

I started to feel anxious to have my regular body back. I always feel so thin and great right after my babies are born (lose 15 pounds in 1 week!) but of course that wears off after a while and I start to realize I have to actually work and put some major effort into getting back into shape. It's hard to be in the in between spot there where clothes don't fit right, but I'm hoping they soon will... where I'm constantly torn between wanting to be able to wear my regular jeans again but also wanting to eat those yummy treats...

Also around the same time I started to feel like I ought to be doing more. That maybe making dinner for my family wasn't just cause for a huge celebration and pat on the back for me. It seemed like my house ought to be clean, I ought to have healthy meals for my family, I ought to be playing with and working with my kids, getting started on fun projects, working in our yard, planning our vacation, catching up on past things to do, adventuring and exercising and getting back into shape...

Of course at about this time of feeling a bit overwhelmed and wanting to just speed along back to regular routines and all, sleep deprivation really began to set in.

"Motherhood was what every corny cliche promised it would be, with one glaring exception: I have yet to see a coffee mug showing a mother telling her bundle of joy, 'I would trade my spleen for another hour of sleep.' It is no wonder that sleep deprivation is a kind of torture. By the time my son was two months old, I would have confessed to killing Jimmy Hoffa if it had brought me more sleep." (From Laughing without an Accent)

So all of my good intentions of doing great things and being on top of everything and getting back into shape and being the super capable, patient, loving mommy I wanted to be... all seemed so hard [obviously!] I didn't realize on my own what the lack of sleep was doing to me until Jordan started to really help me get some extra sleep. After just one or two nights with a 4 hour stretch of sleep instead of 1 or 2 hours at a time... I could suddenly think clearly and had so much energy I felt like I could do anything...

But more importantly, I could finally start to see better all of the good things that I was already doing and focus on those instead of all of the good things I wasn't yet able to do. Yes, Jordan really did ask "should I get a fork lift for that laundry?" when he saw the pile in the closet... but the dishes were clean and the kids were fed :)

Jordan brought me a plant in the hospital after Owen was born, but after a few weeks home it was quite wilted - Kathie said, "You can only nourish so many things at once" which I think has been the best advice to me and something I am working hard to remember.

"We would do well to slow down a little, proceed a the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most."

And what a joy to spend my days nourishing this little one with his bright eyes just loving to look at mine and his happy smiles and wiggles and discoveries. And of course these two as well with all of their energy and happiness and sweetness and sillyness.